Friday, May 13, 2005

Toehold interviews Jesus Christ.

[Special thanks to my good friend at Random Brain Dribbles for taking the (long) time to read an earlier draft and make many good suggestions, some of which I used verbatim.]

Do you support gay marriage?

I love the gays as I love everyone else, and I think it's beautiful when they love each other. To sanctify that love in holy matrimony is not to be dismissed.

Do you favor abortion?

I feel a great sadness for those whose lives are endangered by pregnancy, but I can never condone the taking of an unborn's life. I welcome into Heaven those who willingly die so that others may live, but abortion is wrong.

Since your laws allow abortion, I would be very pleased if My people would do what they can (with kindness and love) to keep women from choosing it. Teach them about birth control so that they do not resort to abortion. Give them everything they need to deliver healthy babies. Do not sow fear and shame in those who have accidentally become pregnant. Encourage them to make the right choices with their children, and make those choices the easiest they can be.

How do you feel about stem cell research?

Stem cells have much healing to offer you, but you must limit your research so that it does not take lives. Killing in the name of healing is no virtue. While you're at it, you should look into the amazing variety of plants and animals on the Earth I gave you to help as well.

Do you favor displaying the Ten Commandments in government buildings?

I think they should be on every billboard. In fact, I may do that next Thursday. I worry, however, about having them in government buildings. Christians were persecuted by governments in My day. It's nice to see My followers in great favor in this land, but there may come a day when that is not the case. On that day, I don't want a government which is comfortable doing the work of the most popular religion because that religious work may be the persecution of more Christians.

Do you think creationism should be taught in schools along with evolution?

It's certainly true that I created all the animals (and let them evolve from there), but that's a religious truth, based on faith. It has no place in a biology class any more than teaching history in a math class. A science teacher who says that not everyone believes in evolutionary theory tells the truth and serves students well, but to teach about the Creation would not be teaching science. Children should be going to Sunday school to learn about the Creation of Heaven and Earth (and many other Divine truths).

How do you feel about Supreme Court appointments?

I don't know why Bush didn't appoint me. (Actually, I do know, but I don't want to embarrass him any further.) Suffice it to say that I'm willing to serve when asked.

Just so that we are clear, the rulings of the Supreme Court do not affect My truths. Your courts have been wrong before, and will be wrong again, but My judgments are never wrong.

What do you think about government health care for all citizens?

It's important that you kids take care of each other. You are your brother's keeper! I like a lot of the things you've done to encourage each other to become doctors who heal the sick, but you capitalists can really go too far sometimes. I love nothing better than cruising the streets mending the lame and granting sight to the blind, but you also have to take care of yourselves.

Raising the minimum wage?

If people cannot pay for the most basic needs of decent housing and food with the wages they earn, then you need to look at ways to help them. Raising the minimum wage is one way, but it may not be as simple as that. Help the poor! Love one another!

Just the other day the Holy Spirit said to me, "I've really got to get down to that Congress and straighten them out on minimum wage. JC, I tell you, you turn your ethereal back for a split decade, and things just go all to gosh darn it." If your legislature had any sense, it would write a law that adjusted the minimum wage automatically instead of wasting all this time adjusting it by hand.

Did you like Bush's tax cuts?

No, but I forgive him. I'll expand on this in the question I foresee next.

Would you rather cut taxes or reduce the deficit?

This money you're spending without having is going to have to be paid back (and more) by your children. Please stop passing the buck to those you're supposed to be caring for. I don't have much concern for taxation levels, but selling your children into poverty so that you can keep more of your coin? Is that what I taught you? No.

Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and render unto Me that which is Mine. You must pay for the functioning of your government. Cutting taxes is fine, but you must spend correspondingly less as well.

Do you think declaring bankruptcy should be easier or harder?

I think that declaring bankruptcy should be nigh unheard-of, not because people in debt won't be able to do it but because there will be no more people in debt. I can't stress this enough. Love each other! Help each other! If someone is suffering, the community should be there to help.

Do you think we should limit the awards from malpractice lawsuits?

This is really a matter of insurance companies. Insurance is a great good indeed, but the companies selling it are, in many cases, going straight to Hell, and with good reason. If you only knew. I'm not here to blow the whistle on those poor souls, but I will tell you that limiting awards on malpractice lawsuits is treating the problem at the wrong end of the patient. Stop the insurance companies from fleecing the doctors, and the doctors can help more people. They're taking lives. I can't make it any simpler than that.

What do you think is outsourcing's impact on the economy?

It's bad for you Americans, but it's good for the rest of My children. I hope the practice continues. You who are blessed with gold have an obligation to reach out to your brothers and help them up. I did not give you wealth to hoard it.

Can you tell us the impact of trade agreements?

These things make a difference, but not necessarily how you think. The real reason I want more trade in the world is that it makes you kids less likely to go to war. You should have learned to share in kindergarten. It improves the lives of everyone.

What do you think of immigrants working in America?

Just like outsourcing, it's good. As I said before, from those to whom much is given, much is required. I blessed America with many gifts, and Americans have an obligation to help others who were not as blessed.

Would you allow drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge?

I wish you'd stop sticking your metal poles in the Earth completely. I gave you a ball of nuclear fire hundreds of thousands of times larger than the Earth, and you're still pumping black soup out of the ground. A little while ago, when you didn't know how to use the wind and the fire for energy, I understood. Now, however, I think it's time to grow up and stop spoiling what I've given you. I know you'll get there eventually, and I don't mean to sound as though I don't have infinite patience, but it really does pain me to see the destruction of my creatures. I gave you the Earth to care for. Don't ruin it.

Would you want private accounts in Social Security?

No. If you want your own retirement money, use a 401(k) for My sake. You are responsible for each other. Social Security does that better than most of your laws, and I'd like to see it stay. You wouldn't believe how upset FDR is about all this talk of murdering his baby. The angels keep telling him he's not in Hell, but sometimes I have to talk to him personally to calm him down.

Preemptive military force can be justified...

Only if you're absolutely sure that the enemy will attack and kill you. Enemies who want to attack but can't need not be attacked. If an enemy wants to attack, and you're not sure whether they can or not, give them the benefit of the doubt. I welcome the slaughtered innocents into my arms, but I would have preferred them on Earth doing My work. And while we're on the subject, from now on, "shock and awe" is reserved for Me and Mine. If I want fire rained on Baghdad, I can very well do that myself, thank you.

What I'd really like to see is preemptive humanitarian efforts. When you see your neighbors in trouble, help them. They cannot continue to be your enemy when you show only love and kindness.

Can torture be justified?

Let me ask you this. If a man holds a gun to your head and tells you to torture an innocent or he will kill you, what do you do? I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. You refuse to do the Devil's work and come join Me in Heaven. You think terrorists will kill you if you do not torture, but I tell you that choosing not to torture is on the path to everlasting life with Me and my Father. There's no strength in inflicting suffering on others, especially when it's done out of fear. It's cowardly and shameful. No one knows better than I do that My children are not all strong enough to stand up to the forces of Evil, but I am still sorely disappointed by choices I see made every day.

And I won't even tell you how angry I am at the apathetic response from you kids. It's unspeakable. I will be most cross if the sources of this Evil are not found and removed from power.

Any thoughts about the PATRIOT act?

I definitely think you youngsters need to keep an eye on each other, but this is not the right way to do it. You're right to address problems you see, but now that your fear has passed, it's time to think about it and make changes.


Love 'em. There are many paths to Me, and none of you are really capable of knowing the Truth. I love all My children, even those who do not accepted me as their personal Savior.

Is there anything else you'd like to tell the readers before you go?

Bill and Ted had it right. Be excellent to each other. If you find this idea confusing, I wrote a whole Book about it, and I'd really like it if you'd read it. Thanks for listening. You've been a terrific audience. I love you all!

[Questions came from this page. Answers are not without my bias, but they are what I think Jesus would say. As such, some of them disagree with my own opinions.]
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