The Theory of the One Jennifer

(Originally sent in an email dated Sat, 14 Sep 96 17:24 CDT)

According to the Theory of the One Jennifer, there is only one Jennifer. Every Jennifer you meet is the same person. For the sake of simplicity (and since it doesn't really change the effects of the theory), I'll assume that only people named Jennifer are this person, and people whose real names are Jenny or Jen or other variants of Jennifer are not the One Jennifer. Besides, I don't really want to talk about Jenny Jones.

Clearly Jennifer has a severe multiple personality disorder. In fact, Jennifer will hardly ever admit to knowledge of what she said or did in one of her other personalities. Sometimes the personalities will talk to each other, and even appear in groups.

The Theory of the One Jennifer raises some questions. First and foremost is, how the heck does she manage to be in multiple places at once? The only explanation I can find is that Jennifer is actually a minor deity (though Jennifer Connelly may be evidence of her being a full goddess). One of the special abilities given to Jennifer in her demigoddesshood was the ability to be in more than once place at once. Q. E. D.

Since she can be in more than one place at once, she probably makes herself into different appearances to avoid confusing herself (while simultaneously confusing everyone else who thinks that she's multiple people). It makes it hard to share IDs when getting into the bars, but I'm sure she considers that a small price to pay when you consider what a hassle it would be to have Jennifer Aniston's fans chasing her all the time.

If J. Random Woman changes her name to Jennifer, is she then swept up and made part of the One Jennifer? What if an incarnation of The Jennifer changed her name to, say, Joanna? I don't know, and I don't think Jennifer knows either. From talking to her in various forms, I've found that a very small percentage of her knows that she's one person. Thusly a name change might change one's Jenniferness, or it might not, and pretty much no one would know the difference.

I figure the One Jennifer is fairly old as beings go (but don't tell her I said that). She's somewhat analogous to that grove of trees which appear to be distinct but are actually all connected at the roots. Jennifer's roots clearly run all the way back to the origin of the name. In spite of this, she hasn't figured out how to take a male form (or—more likely—she doesn't want to).

If one of the One Jennifer shoots another of the One Jennifer, is it murder or suicide? If she makes a deal with herself, breaks it, and goes to court, who wins? If one Jennifer writes a biography about another, is it an autobiography? Jennifer might be the only person in the world who can chase her tail and catch it (I shall now avoid making the obvious comment on lesbian incarnations of Jennifer). Of course, I don't often hear about Jennifer really doing battle with herself. I suppose it could sometimes happen by mistake since she doesn't always know herself on sight, but for the most part she stays out of her own hair (when not washing it).

There are those who say that all people are part of some single God or some other entity. Maybe Jennifer's non-aggression pact with herself should be some kind of lesson. This is completely different from the lesson occasionally learned when some poor family has a pet and a daughter named Jennifer. This can cause extreme confusion, especially during potty training.

I'm tempted to compare and contrast pets and small children, but I won't. Bob knows many times I may have already offended Jennifer.