Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Terrorists attacking our elections.

So, the government is considering rescheduling the elections in case of attack. I've been hearing about this for a while now, and since I'm such a crackpot, the first thing it made me think of is our President declaring himself dictator for life. It sounds crazy, even to me, so I've refrained from talking about it lest I be carted off by federal health care agent professionals to a place I'm not allowed to leave and not allowed to be unhappy.

Last night while watching The Daily Show, I finally figured out what's really wrong with rescheduling the elections. Consider! For the elections to be safe from terrorist attack, the terrorists must not know where the elections are, or be unprepared to attack them, or there are no terrorists.

You could argue that the problem is solved by eliminating the terrorists or catching them unprepared. Given that last year was the worst for international terrorism since we started monitoring that sort of thing, I think we can safely assume that the terrorists are not on the verge of extinction, and they're not unprepared.

Thusly, it follows that we must secretly reschedule the election. We have to tell all the Americans where and when to vote without telling any of the terrorists.

How do we do that?

I have a modest proposal. The President will schedule the election at least a month in advance and tell people who he knows are not terrorists. Those people will tell others who they know are not terrorists, and so on. By the time the scheduled date rolls around, all the true Americans will know when and where to cast their vote, and all the terrorists will be left in the dark.

You heard it here first.
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